There was a time in my twenties, when the garden of my life was barren, even razed. I look back at the seeds I sowed into my family’s life as a young woman…seeds of pain, bitterness, selfishness, and loss. Seeds that affected my children’s lives causing them tremendous pain and suffering over the years. I look back and I am thankful that God has given me the ability to live and love with joy in this garden that I planted all those years ago. I don’t look back to live in guilt. I look back to be thankful and to never forget so that I can share with others the hope that I experience now.

People might wonder how I could choose the path I chose and experience peace today. How could I ever be forgiven? How could life possibly ever be restored for my children? There was a day, all those years ago, that my merciful heavenly Father allowed the blinders of denial to drop from my eyes. I realized all that I had done. I did not think I would be able to move forward. When I saw all that I had destroyed, those questions came to me in utter hopelessness. How would it ever be possible to live when only thistles, briars, weeds, and toxic things could grow in my garden?

Understanding came to me quickly. I was to be repentant, be accountable, and make restitution. 

I was authentic in my repentance and that repentance brought about the understanding that I was the only one accountable for my decisions. I chose not to live in denial. I had to take responsibility. I had a laundry list of reasons I could give and people I could blame for why I didn’t have the will or the character to make the right decisions. I had to address those and put them where they belonged. The fact that I was so broken mattered to me and it mattered to God but it didn’t change the fact that I was solely responsible for my decisions.

After repenting and taking responsibility, the overwhelming need to make restitution naturally came about. I knew that for many years to come that making up to my children what they had lost would be a priority in my life. Sometimes I slipped into guilt and depression and that priority took over my life, but God even worked that to my good. There were many ways that I made restitution in the following years, but it was God’s grace that made it possible.

Years of repentance, self-responsibility and restitution have brought tremendous life back into the garden that I planted. Weeds, briars, and thistles still pop up but I do my best to dig down and get them at the root. There are still some bare spots but I know I will see amazing and beautiful fruit there before my time here is up. It has already begun. I am blessed today because God was merciful to me and I was obedient to Him.

We all plant some useless or bad seed. It is part of broken humanity. God knows this, He sees it and has made provision for it. Provision in the form of forgiveness, boundless grace and mercy all wrapped up in His love which is more expansive than we can conceive or imagine.